Nov. 2 '04 (All Soul's Day): Ivan was supposed to go to work but he decided to take the day off. He went to our house and stayed there the whole day. We stayed in my room, we slept and cuddled, we watched a movie in the living room while playing with my dog chihuahua(a gift from him). He treated my family for a pizza and mingled with them the whole afternoon. It was getting late and hugged me tight before he left. He wasn't really a hugger that's why I never wanted to let go.

He sent me a message while he was on his way home…"Bye Buttercup, Thanks for cuddling with me today. I Love You So Much and I miss you na agad." He never said "Bye" to my before. He always tells me that it's better to say "Good Night," "Take Care," or "I Love You!" But not, "Goodbye."

Nov. 5 '04: I went to Makati to have lunch with him. I had to stop by G4 though, to buy him his gift for his baby(Chris-cringle). We ate lunch and I gave him the gift and some stuff for work that would remind him of me. He gave me print-outs of my resume, since, I am looking for a job that time. He wanted me to wait for him 'til he got out from work, but, I was tired, so, I went home.

Nov 6 '04: He called me early in the morning. We didn't had the money to go out, but, still he wanted to see me. I told him that we will see each other next monday after my final interview at eDATA, so, he decided to go to the gym instead and I stayed at home. He called me after he's done working out. We we're laughing when he told me that he will go out that night to celebrate his friends' bday. I told him to stay at home and just talk to me. He got mad and we got into a huge fight. Honestly, I never did this before. I always let him go out and spend his time with his friends. I just don't know why I wanted him to stay home. We were shouting at eachother already and he hung up on me. I did not call back. I even turned my phone to silent mode, so, I won't hear any message coming or any call from him.

That night I cried myself to sleep…

It was 3am the next day when I heard my mom running down the stairs…She said she heard someone knocking at our front door. I saw my phone, still, on silent mode, blinking…someone's calling…and I answered…

Maan:"Hello…"

Sarah:"Maan? Si Sarah to, pinsan ni Ivan…"

Maan:"Oh Ate Sarah, napatawag ka po…Bakit po?"

Sarah:"Ah Maan, pumunta ka naman dito sa Mandaluyong Hospital…Si Ivan nabaril kasi eh…"

Maan:"Ha?! O sige ate, pero kamusta si Ivan, okay na ba sya? May pilay ba sya? Ino-operahan ba sya? Asan sya? Makakausap ko ba sya?"

Sarah:"Maan, basta, pumunta ka dito…Patay na si Ivan, Maan!!! Pumunta ka na dito aantayin ka namin.."

I really don't know what I felt at that time. This can't be real. This is not right. This is not happening!!! No tears ran down my eyes.

How could he die now when we still have many plans to pursue…We will work together, we will save money to build our house, we have a business, we will marry and have a family of our own! He just can't die now!

I rushed down the stairs and my mom asked me what's going on…I was shaking and I couldn't say a word but I need to tell her…"Ma, samahan mo ko sa Mandaluyong Hospital, patay na daw si Ivan!!!"

She asked me to call the number that called me, since, it is not registered in my phone. She thought that maybe it was a prank call.

I called…Ate Sarah answered.

Maan:" Ate Sarah, pasensya ka na, alam ko po nag-away kame ni Ivan pero wag niyo naman ako lokohin ng ganito, Di kasi nakakatuwang biro…"

Ate Sarah:"Maan, patay na si Ivan! How I wish na sana niloloko ka lang namin pero patay na sya Maan. Pumunta ka nalang dito, aantayin ka namin."

My Mom and my brother-in-law went with me to Mandaluyong. My dad just brought my sister to the office, since, her work(CSR) starts at 4am. After he brought my sister to RCBC, he went straight to Tagaytay to play golf with his friends that will start at 6am. My dad couldn't turn back now…He called me when he recieved the bad news from my mom. He told me to be strong, that the whole family loves me very much and that they will stand by me…

That was the longest trip that I had from Parañaque to Mandaluyong.

It was already 4:30am when we arrived at the Mandaluyong hospital. I saw his whole family gathered in the hall way. That's when I realized that it's real. That Ivan is dead.

I was about to cry when his cousin, Jhack, ran to me and hugged me tight. I asked her "Asan si Ivan cuzin? Dalhin mo ko sa kanya…"

She led me to a door and when she opened it, I saw a bed with a body lying on it covered with white sheet. She removed the white sheet that covered the body and….there he was…lifeless.

I held his hands and placed it in my heart. It was still soft and warm. I ran my other hand to his hair, his face, his lips. I remembered the time when i placed my hands near his heart while he confessed his love to me. I placed my hands on his chest and I can no longer feel his heart beating.

He was shot straight in the heart by unidentified men.

Again, when I ran my hands on his chest, a gush of blood came out of this small hole. A small hole caused by a bullet. That's when I felt hurt, it's as if someone crushed my heart.

How could someone kill just because of a cellphone. How could they take the life of a responsible loving man. They took his dreams…his life away.

They took his body at the funeral home for embalment 7am. My mom brought me to their house and I fixed the clothes that he will wear and prepared his picture that will be displayed at the wake. I stayed with his sister who was crying and I couldn't do anything. My phone never stopped ringing, family and friends trying to comfort me at that time.

I went home to fix my stuff, I decided to stay in Mandaluyong until we bury his body.

I came in time at the chapel, just when they delivered his body in a coffin. When I looked at him, he was still the same, still handsome. What was different though, he is now lifeless.

It was Nov. 7 '04. The darkest day of my life.

My family and friends came to visit everyday. They would just sit with me, hold my hand and hug me.

Nov. 14 '04: I came to their house and fixed the stuff that will be buried with him. There was a huge mirror in his room and I remembered once he told me that if you stared at a mirror, some spirit would show up and talk to you. He was trying to scare me at that time but I tried to stare at the mirror this time, hoping, that he will show up and talk to me…just tell me who killed him. He never did.

It was time to bury him. That was the last time that I held his hand, the last time that I kissed him. But, It was time to let him go…To say goodbye…Still no tears ran down my eyes.

People judged me during those days. Because they did not see my cry. They said I didn't really loved him because I didn't cry. I didn't care…

I guess nobody would understand. I was just talking to him and then the next minute someone would call me to tell me that he's dead.

I guess, now I know why he said "goodbye" last tuesday night. I guess now I know why I did not want him to go out with his friends last saturday night. I guess now I know who was knocking at our front door that woke up my mom and I…

It's been 1year and 6months since Ivan died. I have moved on, but, he will always have a special place in my heart. He taught me a lot of things that I will never forget. He taught me to be independent, he taught me how to be strong, he taught me how to live…he taught me how to love.

I hope that justice will be served soon…But for now, I just hope that he's happy wherever he is.

My Angel Ivan

Honey, Abby, Jonah and I were invited by friends from the pep squad of San Beda College to attend the Annual Freshman Initiation of their school, July 6, 2001. I had nothing to do, no where to go and so I went with them. I was studying from an exclusive school then, but I have no plans of sight seeing or boy hunting. With that, I never thought that this day would bring me to the man I have long been waiting for.

We stayed at the gate of the school because as it turned out, we are actually not allowed to enter the campus! I got bored and I really wanted to go home!

I was about to ask them to leave when I saw this man drinking mineral water near the gates, not minding the chaos that my friends and I created. A long lost brother of Epi Quizon? Of course not, he was original, no pretentions, no nothing…He was just being him!

Ivan A. Lacson huh?!! As I sneak peaked at his ID! Heller! The looks of Epi and the name same as Ping, I asked my self, is he a gift from heaven, knowing that I admire both Epi Quizon and Ping Lacson! I found out that he is a member of San Beda Pep Squad. Saw him do the moves while they practiced, and yeah, I really find him cute! Of course there were butterflies in my stomach the first time I saw him and what's funny is that those butterflies never left…Hmmm! With the first impression of him being a snob, I told myself…Heller, Wake up…How could he possibly fall in love with me? Not a bit. Not a chance. I went home facing this reality! That is until my friend Honey called me, gave me his number and asked me to text him! "No way!" I said, that is so embarrasing!!! Still, I did! Exchanging messages the whole night, he asked for my landline number (July 7, 2001) and cell calls during lunch time that would make me run out of class every time he calls.

July 14, 2001: My friends and I decided to watch NCAA and play billiards near Beda after the game. That day we met personally for the first time! I was nervous, I didn't know what to do! But hey, it ended up so well that he asked me for a date the following day!

July 15, 2001: The happiest day of my life! We went out, dine at Tokyo Tokyo and watched a movie(Along came a spider) we have no idea of but ended up watching it. That was what I thought, but then he confessed that he wanted to watch that movie because he knew it would scare the hell out me and thought that he could be my prince charming if he hugs me when I get scared! Next movie is Dr. Doolittle. It was a Sunday and he still do not want to go home so we ended up watching another movie.

We we're waiting for the movie to start when he whispered to my ear, "Can I be your buttercup?" and I told him "Umm…Okay!" But then he realized that he asked the wrong question and so another question was raised…"Eh can you be my Buttercup? Maan, I Love You!"Have you ever felt what I felt that moment? When suddenly, time stops and you can't move a thing. All you feel is your heart stammering and all you can say is "Are you sure? It's so fast and how can you love me in an instant? In a span of one week?" and he said "I don't know! This never happened to me before and it just feels right!" I placed my hands near his heart and I can feel it beating so fast! By then I knew it was real and then "I Love You too Ivan!" He hugged me and started singing the song "Thank you in advance!" Our song!

What you've just read is our love story! This is how we started and I never want to lose him since the day that I saw him. He is the greatest gift that I have and along with him are many gifts that I will treasure forever!

The best gift that he gave me is his family. I gained another family because of him. Yes, we have a lot of memories together, good and bad, but you know what? Those memories are the reason why we never stopped loving each other. Instead, we loved each other more. Those are what made us strong and I never regret anything that happened to us. I loved him so much, I still do, and I will forever love him, more and more…each day.